Saturday, November 9, 2013

Krrish 3: And they call this entertainment?

Right from the title, the superhero film weirdly titled Krrish 3 (and not Koi Mil Gaya 3 or Krrish Returns) makes it clear that this will appeal to a whole range of audiences:

1. Who can't count. Pre kindergarten kids who won't know there is no Krrish 2.

3. Who don't care. Because… they don't usually think about these things when it comes to movies. They have come to get their mind blown away once again by Jadoo, the alien dwarf.

6. Who get the joke. That Krrish's third thumb makes him count differently.

11. Who are high. And you thought we don't make enough stoner films. There's enough hallucinatory action that compares well to the craziest of stoner comedies — a mutant with a long tongue stealing ice cream, shape shifting Kangna who morphs into Priyanka, a superhero who labours to fight a big tongue…

25. Who have insomnia. Just try to pay close attention to the plot involving creating life through sunlight and before you can count 1, 3… Just keep your wallet safe and set an alarm three hours later.

43. Who have amnesia. You won't blame it on the plothole. How did Priyanka Chopra escape from the villain's den in the snow-clad mountains and report back to duty in Mumbai within minutes? You forgot? That's because of your condition.

71. Who need a haircut. You will pull out your hair halfway into the spot the rip-off sequence game. The visual effects are all poor imitations of popular action set pieces. Replace Gotham or New York with Mumbai.

99. Who need a tooth extraction. By the end of the spot the rip-off sequence game, you would have ground your teeth to powder and would not require an extraction.

151. Who like the Scary Movie franchise. Just like that franchise pokes fun at all the horror films of the season, this desi franchise spoofs Hollywood's comic book films with a fresh take on the superhero dynamic. Not the regular ordinary hero and alter ego here. The heroes here are dumb and dumber. One's a mad scientist who burns himself to death and the other who gets beaten up by a villain in a wheelchair who can barely move a finger. Roshan Jr. is all ham and cheese.

214. Who like Vivek Oberoi. This is not a minority. There are a lot of people who like Vivek Oberoi when he does not have to act. As Kaal, he plays a supervillain who can barely move a muscle.

333. Who hate Vivek Oberoi. There are a lot of people who strangely didn't like Prince, that epic superhero movie featuring Vivek. They will see him play a dumb villain dressed up in trash.

1341. Who are into trolling science. We have heard of children born without a father. In Krrish, the villain is born without a mother. Unless Jadoo and Rohit (Hrithik from Part 1) did something together that kids shouldn't know about.

20,311. Who have kids and want more. Having kids means taking them to movies like this just because they want to see Krrish and buy his friendship band. This movie will make you review your entire life and choices.

1,34,555. Who don't want kids. This will only strengthen your decision. Especially if it means exposing them to films like this under the pretext of entertainment.

2,85,63,921. Who have enemies. Buy them a ticket and do an evil laugh.

200 crores. Who make jokes. Trade analysts, critics, comics and anyone who needs material for their tweets, updates, blogs, smses, forwards… The joke is on you. The film has already crossed 200 crores.

(If the numbering here doesn't make any sense to you, you just might have a problem with the randomness of the progression of events in the film.)
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